My baptism experience, the day my insecurities were washed away.
The day had come, the day where I as an adult said to myself “I am choosing to follow Jesus and only Him”. No more foot in and foot out. No more just a Christ follower by mouth. The day that I choose to lay it all down.
One by one I watched my fellow brethren in Christ step into the water and be made instantly clean. My heart heavy, my knees weak and my body shaking, I asked myself ‘Am I worthy?’
My life flashing before my eyes, all my sins replaying in what I felt was double slow motion and then an internal scream. The Devil had entered my head and I was now in an internal battle with him.
I could hear people singing in the background “Awesome God, Mighty God, Lord you reign!” but at this present moment I didn’t see God as Awesome.
I had been knocking on His door continuously, asking him, begging him to release me from this stronghold , my spirit of heaviness. I couldn’t feel him. As I was standing there the Devil was again building his palace in my head, romancing my self-doubt and making love with my self-contempt . I felt my body sway “oh gosh he is dancing with my insecurities again”. He whispered stay with me, I am all you know if he wanted you he would have created you like him but instead you are like me.
God why haven’t you saved me, why haven’t you loved me and why have you left me alone? I asked.
I wanted to run but my body wouldn’t move, then I heard the Lord say “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness, let me hold you”
“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness..”
It was my turn to be baptized and with each step I took I heard him speak to me “Nothing can separate you from my love, come to me”
“It doesn’t matter about your outward appearance I have seen your heart”
With every step I heard “I promise you that if you bask yourself in me and make me your delight then I will give you the desires of your heart. Draw near to me and abide in me. I will never fail or let you down”.
I step into the water…
Then the Pastor whisper into my ear ‘think of all the things you want to leave behind, all the sin you want to die and leave in this water.’
As I touched the water and went under, I cried! I left behind my necklace of insecurities, I left behind my unworthiness, I left behind my impurity, and most of all I left behind me.
In the water I broke, I left the pieces that weighed me down. I left behind the suicidal thoughts, I left the self-hatred, I left behind the bullying. I left behind my self harm and I left behind my need for love.
Then I came up! ‘God said let there be light!’ and there was light and that light can never be distinguished by darkness.
‘Through my weaknesses God has continued to show his power’! I AM A NEW CREATION IN CHRIST, who is no longer bound by sin or the flesh. Because it says ‘who the son sets free is indeed free’
I have never felt so free, and then I felt his arms wrapped around me, holding me close and saying my daughter I will never leave you or forsake you. Release your anger towards me, release your hurt towards me, release your bitterness towards me, and release your distrust towards me. Sit with me ‘I am your comforter, your father that bears all your burdens. I will comfort you in all your troubles; believe in me and trust me with your situations, your life and your heart..
It was then I felt my freedom. It was then I no longer saw God through my human reasoning, it was then I looked at him as my eternal father.
It was then I chose wholeheartedly to walk with him and solely him. It was then I knew only God Can!
I am beautifully hidden in him the most high.
About the Writer
Sarah Akinwunmi is a writer, poet, spoken word artist from London. She is passionate about empowering the upcoming youth to walk in their God given identity. She also loves working closely with and supporting those in disadvantaged positions whilst uplifting them with the love and gospel of Jesus Christ.
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